A farl cry from Hugh’s recipe
I’m getting well into the warm fracture booty now but it doesn’t half take ages to get everywhere. Last night I damn near broke my neck and wasted years of my life transporting flour and potatoes to Phoebe’s house for a wee dinner party with Nin and Liv. Not that it was a waste of time to go – it was lovely. I’m just used to racing everywhere in a huff rather than taking time to admire the empty fried chicken boxes and soggening leaf mulch of London’s streets.
I cooked us all a fry-up, which was supposed to incorporate Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s potato farls but ended up starring gluey mash instead. The bonus was that mashed potato is bigged up in the Measure this week, so I was inadvertently succeeding at one of this week’s to-dos while failing at another.
I don’t know if I mixed in too little flour or what but hell, I think mash goes with pretty well anything and I was more than delighted to eat it with fried eggs, sausages, bacon, beans and toast.
I forgot to ask the girls to take my photo before I was dropped home by kind Phoebe and there was no Guardian farl snap for the day anyway, so this post is sadly unillustrated. Therefore I’m going to keep it short and sweet.
Tomorrow you can expect: booty (not that kind), omelette skyscraper, cake and possibly a home improvement feature – but let’s not set our goals too high. I have to do a mammoth cook tonight to get my tasks done before I head to Antwerp tomorrow.
Conclusions:
- Consistency is key but when it comes to fry-ups you just have to be grateful for what you’ve got.
- There’s arguably little point in walking around in an unflattering outfit all day in the name of the blog if I then forget to photograph it, but I can tell you it’s still quite pleasant being told what to wear of a morning. I missed that during my recent break and pretty much went around in little black dresses every day. It was boring.
Leek terrine
What a night.
The leek terrine was the least interesting thing about it.
The rest will probably be frightfully dull for you but I’ll press on anyway.
First I had a bath and listened to Resonance FM, on which there was a most brilliant Wavelength/William English interview with a man called Captain Maurice Seddon. I recommend you click on that link and listen to it. He’s an eccentric gentleman who owns at least ten dogs and several freezers filled with food six years out of date, which he eats will no ill effects. But it’s his charm and his relationship with the interviewer that make it worth listening to. It was just a really good radio moment.
Then these two fellows came on pretending to be old men, as far as I could make out. The fact that they were preceded by an actual old man, and a very engaging one at that, set them back. They totally bombed really. I wasn’t too keen on the Brian Gittins character. But the Angelos Epithemiou dude was very funny.
There was one really good line in it (“I don’t like how you’re wearing your belt – why don’t you use the loops?”) and they also reminded me what a great tune Jellicle Cats is. I haven’t heard it since I was six. The rousing key changes! The sitcom-lite bassline!
Then I made the terrine.
It was easy – you boil leeks, put them in a clingfilm-lined loaf tin with a load of feta and some mint, and leave it for a while. I nearly didn’t bother with the clingfilm but my conscience got the better of me.
Then I watched the third episode of last year’s Criminal Justice. Then I watched the fourth. Then I turned out the terrine, at which point I was thankful I’d used the clingfilm. If I hadn’t, the whole structure would’ve fallen apart. I downloaded it on to a plate, stood back and felt dead chuffed with myself. The leeks made very attractive pale green lined patterns around the outside of the loaf, and it looked like a real thing. An Achievement. It was now about midnight, and I took some of the terrine with me to watch the final part of Criminal Justice, even though I was tired and it was a school night, because I couldn’t physically or mentally bear the suspense. I can’t believe telly can be this good. It’s also given me a highly inconvenient crush on Ben Whishaw, who is not a useful person to have a crush on for any number of reasons. I’ll allow myself to Google Image him only once today. Then I must move on. I haven’t had an embarrassing and inappropriate celeb crush since I accidentally brainwashed myself into being in love with Joaquin Phoenix while watching Walk the Line. That lasted a year, during which time one half of my brain genuinely believed I was going to marry him while the other half looked on in semi-disgusted pity. It was a confusing time for me and I hope this Ben Whishaw nonsense clears up quicker.
If you can get hold of the DVD of that Criminal Justice you have to watch it. Pete Postlethwaite rules in it to. It’s just so much better than leek terrine.
Oh yes, the terrine. I should have squeezed all the water from the leeks before packing them into the tin as it went a bit soggy. I also thought it wasn’t worth bothering with the cider vinegar drizzled on top but that was a mistake. I have plenty of terrine left over so I’ll finish it another time with some of the thyme cider vinegar that has sat around being ignored in my kitchen since I made it months ago. I like the way Hugh F-W explains so carefully in the recipe how to slice the terrine. But even following his instructions it all fell apart for me, as is plain to see:
Leek terrine
Freak terrine
Conclusions:
- Although this constitutes a highly exciting evening by Guardian Girl standards, I realise in instant hindsight that it must sound much like a boring evening in to most other folks. I felt like an Amish kid in Disneyland.
Potted cheese slacker
I bought all the ingredients for Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s potted cheese, I went home, I felt hungry, I ate the cheese with oatcakes and chutney, I put the booze on my shelf ready to drink around the time of my 30th birthday next weekend, I watched the second part of last year’s Criminal Justice on DVD, I shouted at it and tore at my hair, I had a bath, I went to bed, I felt no worse off for not having mixed up the cheese with a few other things before I put it on the oatcakes.
And so my rebellion against HF-W’s recipes continues.
I know my promises are looking pretty much empty these days but I will make the leek terrine tonight, or else I’m in danger of slacking off the project beyond all excusableness.
Conclusions:
- There you are, innocently thinking there’s no oatcake better than a Nairn’s oatcake, and then Duchy Originals Oaten Biscuits for Cheese come along and pull the rug from under your feet.
Saturday
After polishing off several good-morning! glasses of Baileys, a latte and a fry-up with my dearest friend Liv and scouring the paper for this week’s life, I headed home to recreate as best I could the Space rooms in my own flat. I did a relatively good job of getting the vibe right (read with emphasis on the word “relatively” and set your standards low) but I have insufficient space in my flat to get enough distance between lens and scene to take a picture that might demonstrate this success. Trust.
The only element I properly slacked off was arranging my books in colour order, which I think looks beautiful and I definitely want to do – I just couldn’t quite bring myself to take all my books off the shelves and put them back in a different order. I might do it later in the week. I will. I will.
Here are some rather sparse-looking photos to demonstrate my attempts:
Study
Skive
Living
Dead
Horrid wardrobe, that.
Breakfast
Feckless
Boudoir
Abattoir
The other thing I did was dress up in a hideous outfit and strike an equally frightening pose, photographing the tragedy with the aid of my camera’s self-timer.
Feel free to listen to the appropriate soundtrack as you view the image (http://open.spotify.com/track/5CoHWtIo2xRgBqVtm4OgcF):
Dare
Don't you dare
Got the pose backwards as usual but I don’t think this is the main concern really, is it.
I was supposed to cook potted crab/lobster for dinner but I couldn’t get these things fresh and I’m not keen on the tinned versions. As I result I settled for toasted bagels with butter.
Then, in an overwhelming show of dullard decision making, I opted to stay in on a Saturday night instead of going out with my chums. It’s my 30th birthday next weekend so I anticipate big luvz then and decided I was allowed to forgo sociability in order to epilate my armpits (genuinely painful) and watch the last episode of Dallas in my boxset (genuinely upsetting to say goodbye to this era of my life).
Conclusions:
- I think I’ve said all I need to about potting food.
- My suspicions about this week’s nude fashion were correct.
Potted rabbit
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s potted rabbit became Guardian Girl’s chicken casserole last night. There are two reasons for this: Sainsbury’s had no rabbit that I could detect, and I had no time to cook my dinner for two hours, shred it up and wait for it to cool before eating it – I stayed late at work and got home at 8pm.
Hugh says that these recipes are not difficult but require plenty of time, during which he suggests also listening to the radio and enjoying hanging around the kitchen. I guess this puts these recipes firmly in weekend territory. The thing is that weekend territory is already dotted with little flags saying things like “do your laundry”, “see some mates”, “get out of the flat” and no doubt in other households, “take the kids swimming” and “take the dog for a proper walk”.
I still have to question who his recipes are aimed at beyond people who live in the River Cottage and I guess jobless folks who also happen to have the money and inclination to press rabbits into pots. It’s a question of priorities as much as time.
For the purposes of consistent documentation, here’s my photo of a very tasty chicken casserole. The addition of a packet of lardons and some mustard comes highly recommended – there’s still much to learn from Hugh’s recipes even though it’s frequently tricky to go all the way.
Potted rabbit
Not a rabbit
Conclusions:
- So little time, so much to do, so many unpotted lagomorphs in the world. On my deathbed I’ll be rueing the times I let them all hop away, foolishly choosing to pursue a career instead.
Game terrine
I cooked this one for the ladeez, Liv, Nin and Phoebe, and we ate it in front of X-Factor accompanied by the red wine and brandy that didn’t make it into the terrine. I do love the way brandy makes you feel like Father Christmas.
I couldn’t find game so what this really ended up as was a very large squashed-up sausage with lumps of chicken, pork and beef suspended in it, wrapped in two packets of bacon. Some people will be thinking that sounds like heaven, others will be leaning more towards burning in hell. It was actually pretty nice. Very tasty. We ate it with the onion chutney left over from the red pepper dip I made the other evening and some salad.
I didn’t leave it to cool or press it.
I guess it’s what you might call meatloaf is it?
Game terrine
Lame terrine
Conclusion:
- A successful new addition to my top cooking formulas: wrap stuff in paper and bake it, wrap stuff in pastry and bake it, suspend stuff in sausagemeat and bake it.
First impressions
- Fashion – jumping good, leather and fur bad – not for ethical reasons but because I hardly have any.
- The Measure: Eucalyptus, fine. I popped straight to Fresh ‘n’ Wild or Whole Foods or whatever it’s now called and got myself some appropriately fragranced shampoo and shower gel. I needed that stuff anyway and now I can be safe in the knowledge Burberry would approve of my washing habits.
The River Cafe Italian cookbook was nowhere to be seen in my local bookshop, which was a double good’un as it meant I didn’t have to spend extra cash or cook a risotto that night.
I did take terrine round to a mate’s house for the X-Factor though, which was made entirely worthwhile by the phenomenon that is Sinitta wearing only leaves. My vote would be with Miss Frank, if anyone cares.
The May Fair hotel sounds expensive, although I’m not savvy/sophisticated enough to know any more about it than that. I’m planning to go for a cocktail there with some mates on Thursday night so we’ll see how that pans out. Turn up, drink a £20 bevvy, walk home and eat plain rice for dinner.
Pretty much everything else in the Measure was stuff I hadn’t heard of ( so uncultured), so I’ll do a Googling session and report back after I’ve educated myself. This blog is turning into a sort of modern geisha training, which appeals enormously.
- Lauren’s stopped doing her make-up masterclass, which permanently absolves me of the obligation to post four close-ups of my face every week, since I can’t afford to buy and try the products she recommends each week. I won’t deeply mourn the loss of this section.
- The Space feature is all very well on the surface of things but I can’t see myself finding the time to get hold of a bit of plasterboard and cover it in fabric, or start a cork collection big enough to make a noticeboard, or even go begging for a rice sack to make into a chic cushion. I’ve written this bit off straight away – getting through my washing up and laundry backlogs is enough of a craft project for me.
- Food: as usual Hugh is pansying about with preserving and pressing and bloody bottling things that ought to just be fried and eaten. I once lived in the iron age for two months and believe me, I appreciate the joy of skinning a rabbit as much as the next man, but we’re busy people Hugh. Yotam’s recipe looks as tempting as ever while Dan Lepard’s made me cry a bit by mentioning a small, deathly thing called an ‘anchovy’ . Would I be letting myself down if I left it out? I think not. He did say it was optional.
Dip/stick
Today’s photo is a self-portrait because I couldn’t leave the house in what I was wearing. Would you take me seriously if you bumped into me around the office wearing this?
If I’d only had a coral Margaret Howell blouse, some drawstring moleskin trousers and perhaps a tiny pair of hips, I’d be looking chic today. Oh, and a pair of clear-rimmed specs. But these garms are the closest I could get and, as you can see, tracksuit bottoms (Fat Face 1999 – not really Best Dressed material) an orange top, cropped Primark shirt and fancy-dress glasses do not a professional lady make. I changed into black h-h-h-harem pants and swapped the shirt for my beloved Farhi by Nicole Farhi covering-up mannish shirt thing so I looked less like I’d soiled myself, added a big scarf to make it look like I had some kind of intention for my appearance and headed off to the bus stop flowingly. I do look like a psychodrama workshop facilitator today but that’s probably better than looking like a plain old psychodrama. Today I’d like to add an extra dimension to my snap by providing the soundtrack that was going on in my head as I looked in the mirror. For those who have spotify: http://open.spotify.com/track/1Vchex0xowRj9k59RLvRfo.
Step out
Stay in
Dinner last night, on the other hand, was a steaming success. It was Hugh’s Muhamarra recipe, a very tasty affair involving walnuts, bread, olive oil, baked red peppers, chilli flakes, lime juice and caramelised onion chutney because I couldn’t find any pomegranate molasses. Once I was on Guardian Soulmates – why not, since I outsource every other decision in my life to the Guardian, let it choose me a lover as well? I met this guy and Jesus Christ was he a bore. He was even more smug than me. He was sick with the nation because it promoted cultural low-browism by celebrating Harry Potter. I unfortunately hit upon the subject of his difficult relationship with his father within ten minutes of meeting him – purely accidental – and the tense diatribe that followed was a terrifying to behold, and highly awkward to react to over a conversational pint of Strongbow. Anyway I went home after a while and shortly afterwards decided to choose my own menfolk. But the point of this story is that he harped on at great length about how amazing pomegranate molasses is, and how you can use it to add depth to any flavour, and how you can get it any Turkish shop. But I was in Sainsbury’s in my tracksuit (because I’m now running everywhere in order to maintain this experiment without growing out of the last remaining giantsize harem pants) and I couldn’t find any, so I just bought some Taste the Difference chutney instead. It’s a bit soapy to be honest. ANYWAY, the dip is stunningly delicious. You must make it. If you can’t be bothered to do the bits involving the peppers, the paste made with all the other ingredients is delicious in itself. Walnutty oily rich wonder with bread dipped in. I ate plenty of it before I added the peppers. Hugh told me to add the rest of the ingredients after the peppers but I rebelliously ignored him. I was wating for the peppers to cook so I thought I may as well get the rest ready.
Also I used my hand blender! If you’ve been reading from the start you’ll know this is a great thing as it marks my triumph over the emotional scars I earned during an egg white incident.
Here are the photies:
Muhamarra
Muhm-muhm-ahhh
I know it looks kind of like a feline production here but that’s just any ungarnished dip for you isn’t it? I added extra chilli flakes, chutney and cumin so it’s got quite a kick. It’s making me mildly perspire as I eat the remains for lunch while typing this.
Conclusions:
- I’m taking a long moment to appreciate the fact that I changed out of that heinous outfit before coming to work.
- I strongly recommend trying the dip.
- Peeling red peppers is pretty tricky even after doing the oven/plastic bag trick but the dip doesn’t appear to have suffered by having skins in it.
Resurrection
When I started this blog I decided to pretty much keep the whole thing quiet, bar telling a few friends who helped me take photos or directly asked me what the hell I was doing after walking in on me photographing myself in a bikini with a walking stick between my thighs. Rather than fabricating some phoney story about Hannibal Lecter for the post-gendered/neo-hiking era (I don’t know at all what I mean by this but it sounds like a joke, which is half the battle) I told them what I was doing and gradually developed a small but loyal following of regular readers with whom I enjoyed sharing my adventures in Guardianland. A few other people happened upon it while searching for Dan Lepard recipes (poor souls didn’t get much help here), Andy Pandy (again, sorry folks) and female humiliation (probably not what they had in mind) . Some of them kept coming back, and I decided the rest of the world could do without seeing it really.
But a few weeks after I decided to jack the whole thing in I posted the link on Facebook, since it was sitting there all finished with, which then led to something to do with Twitter and something to do with Stumbleupon and some other things I can’t quite get a grip on, which then led to bemusing amounts of people actually asking me not to give it up, while on their knees with tears on their faces. I have always felt it was my calling in life to sacrifice my personal dignity, large amounts of cash, my physical health and all my spare time in order to provide mild entertainment to friends and acquaintances. So it is with a heavy heart, a light wallet and an ambivalent smile that I’m resurrecting Guardian Girl.
My first post back should really be an extra special one, but it isn’t. It’s not even spectacularly unsuccessful. Just an unflattering photo of me in a checked shirt and a fairly insipid but I suppose satisfying rice and meat dish.
On Saturday morning I went off to buy the paper, accompanied by the slightly jaded cousin of my old sense of trepidation.
I sat on a bench and cracked open a can of Special Brew followed by Weekend.
I thought:
Food: same old, same old.
Lauren Luke: Christ alive, no offence to her but she looks like a burns victim this week. Bronzing is supposed to be SAFE.
The interior design bit: hilarious for reasons I’ll elaborate on later.
Fashion: more shirts and trousers.
Not much had changed while I was away – except that they’ve started putting some of their fashion pictures online! Hooray! This makes life much easier as you can see in high-def the look I was aiming for. Maybe I’ll even be able to stop taking rubbish-quality photos of the magazine pages soon.
The Measure was more interesting. I instantly clocked that I wouldn’t be able to afford anything by Dries van Noten but that Topshop was on the list too. Astley Clark jewellery – possible. The Reiss belt is lovely, and in fact I packed myself off to Angel that very day and bought me one, which cost an eye-watering 60-odd quid and made me feel extremely guilty. It’s not that lovely after all – it looks a bit Dorothy Perkins when you combine it with most of my other clothes. That 1971 collection is very nice, a bit Dallasy and a bit Suzi Quatroey, but when I put that sort of jangling stuff on I just look like I’ve been doing guilty trolley dashes down Primark again (which I usually have).
On Sunday it was time to face reality and get back into the cookery properly again, so I tackled Hugh’s first recipe of the week, which was something called Maqluba.
My actual-genius friend Jesse came to dine and ate the food happily but seemed relieved when she found out it was a Guardian recipe, as it was licence to come clean with the truth – that it “could do with a bit more salt”. I quite agreed, especially eating it cold the next day when this kind of dish is usually extra tasty. I perhaps should have used more than one stock cube. Also I chopped my herbs way too big again – bad gal. I forgot to cut them with scissors like a helpful commenter on this blog told me to do months ago.
Coming up soon is the first photographic evidence in a long while. Hold your breath.
First of all a little bonus (I wouldn’t get too excited): the old piccies that damaged the camel’s back last time around in August before The Break.
Strike a pose
Completely fail to strike the correct pose
This makes me wonder about my brain functioning. You can imagine what I’m like in an aerobics class – windmilling around in Studio 2 while the rest of the class is doing press-ups in Studio 1. I think I just forgot to look at the original picture properly. Or at all.
I have also uncovered the last recipe I cooked, weeks ago, to say thanks to the cat godfathers for looking after My George while I was in Hamburg living the unfettered life. It was a lime pie, one of Dan Lepard’s, and it tasted kind of nice but I burned the pastry so it went black and crumbly. Also I made the tragic error of purchasing these squidgy golden kiwi things – a different type from the usuals. I really don’t recommend them. Luckily I also had a packet of bog-standard kiwi fruit (how globalised consumerism has moved on since the rationing era) and they turned out to be enough to cover the pie with.
Kiwi tart
It's a start
Right then, with that out of the way, here’s last night’s dinner (and today’s lunch):
Maqluba
Maq-loser
Mine lacks lustre doesn’t it. I overcooked the tomatoes intentionally to try to destroy some of their innate evil. It sort of worked. I also ate most of the delicious toasted flaked almonds I was supposed to scatter on the top before serving, as they were just too tempting and too close to hand to ignore. Altogether it was a pretty drab dish for something that involved so much preparation and so many flavourings. Where did they all go? Stolen by the force of heat.
So on to the moment I’ve been dreading – today’s outfit. I’ll be frank with you; the past six weeks have not been kind to me. I have reappeared in cyberworld looking like a shadow of my former self, if shadows were larger, paler and messier than the original, which would make the world a very different place wouldn’t it? I do hope to return to form at some unspecified point in the future. In the meantime please bear with me. I am ‘everywoman’ after all, it’s all in me.
Get shirty
Get surgery
That really is a hideous return to the project. Nevermind.
My head is going the wrong way because I still have very fragile connections between brain and body even after that half a chapter of The Alexander Technique for Dummies I read seven years ago. And despite photographer-Cari shouting: “Spread your legs wider!” repeatedly at me as I slumped on the sink outside a cubicle in which another colleague was trying to do a quiet wee, I preserved my dignity over getting the picture right. Obviously if I’d been wearing white silk bloomers there wouldn’t have been a problem.
On a happy note, please admire the snazzy bathroom in which I pose for these photos. We moved offices at work, so it’s bye-bye tampon machine and hello clean grouting from now on.
Conclusions:
- Hugh slacked off a bit on taste this week. Also did you know the recipe called for holding a plate over the pan of boiling meat and rice and turning it upside down? Have you seen the level of success with which I am able to copy a very simple seated pose? Put the two together and you’ll see why I didn’t attempt this – I just used a spoon.
- Topshop sold out of that amazing UFO dress ages ago, apparently.
- Reiss does do wonderful accessories but who’d pay £60 for a belt? Oh.
- Lauren Luke’s make-up gives her the appearance of a Marbella-dwelling ex-pat and makes me look like a sweaty grub.
- It’s good to be back.
Saturday 15 August
First impressions:
Fashion
- My lack of a large selection of gilets in differing fabrics is going to set me back a bit here – and finding grass long enough to stand in rather than on, let alone a wheatfield, is going to be quite a challenge in Hackney.
- Plus another bunch of menswear that, when recreated with my own wardrobe, just means jeans and a shirt every day.
- I popped over to the home of my internet-connected friends to Google most of this stuff in order to gauge how attainable/affordable it was going to be. The French Connection blouse looks lovely and is even more affordable given that I get 50% discount there thanks to my wunder-0-chum Adam, but aside from that every single thing (trainers, jewellery, bag) costs way more than I could afford, even given my determination to follow this experiment faithfully. Disappointing. I wonder how much the average Guardian reader earns?
Recipes
- Bloody hell, not more pies! Just as I thought my cholesterol might be returning to within five cream cakes of normal levels.
- Veggie soup looks nice, soups are usually easy and cheap to do – goodo. Plus anything with pesto in or on it is always good by me.
- Another pie. Sacre bleu.
Brain and heart
- I’ve mostly been avoiding cataloging the more emotional side of the advice in the Weekend magazine because I intend this blog to be more of an experiment about the do-ability of cooking, dressing and shopping as the Guardian suggests than about my psychological welfare each week. After all, there’s narcissism and then there’s narcissism. There’s some very good advice in this bumper happiness issue, by the looks of things, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to use my blog as a gratitude diary. What happens on tour stays on tour (in this scenario the tour is my internal life, and be happy it’s staying that way, since my internal life would probably have at least one thing in common with Aerosmith’s Get a Grip tour of 1993-94).
Make-up
- No Lauren Luke! I’m relieved to have a break from uploading four close-ups of my face shot in bad light, and it’ll be nice to wear make-up that goes with the clothes I’m in. Only it’s mostly menswear this week, so looks like I’ll be bare-faced this week.
So the outfit today was just shirt and jeans for me as I don’t have a wide range of trousers to get it right. The photo was a little tricky, but my friend Thomas managed to get a pretty good snap of me hanging backwards off a park bench in some undergrowth. You can’t really see the clothes but since they didn’t match very well anyway today, the photo is really just for keeping up appearances.
After summer
Dafter summer
Chicken pie
Don't judge a book by its cover
-
There’s not enough grass in London. Or wheatfields. Could Agnes Denes pay a visit? Perhaps I should’ve popped to Dalston Mill for a photoshoot.
-
There aren’t enough cooking ingredients in Tesco Metros. They’re for those times you just need beer and some filled pasta things aren’t they. Planning, planning, planning.
I've always found it funny when people write letters to the Guardian's Weekend magazine complaining that the recipe ingredients are too middle class and the fashion only looks good on thin people. After all, it's just a magazine. Or is it? I decided to follow its recipes, fashion and lifestyle advice as closely as possible, to see if the aspirations promoted therein can really be achieved by the average reader who is not especially wealthy, not necessarily model thin and is obliged to work regular office hours. This blog has no affiliation whatsoever with the Guardian but I link to the Weekend magazine website for the purposes of illustration. 
Guardian Girl 
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