Guardian Girl

Flowing maxi dresses are going down. It’s all about finding a dress that looks good belted yet reaches the ground, it would seem. At 5’8″ I’m used to having trouble finding long dresses and skirts that are really long, although in fairness I haven’t tried for about… 14 years. I assumed that since every cheap magazine is filled with maxi dresses at the moment (I say that but I haven’t actually read a magazine other than Weekend and the titles I work on for months – I just sense they’re full of maxi dresses), shops such as Monsoon, Next, M&S, maybe French Connection would be rammed with them. This is not the case – I could barely see any, and Angel’s charity shops weren’t giving either. So I headed for the last resort option that in my case always bears fruit – the market shop. It’s one of them that’s basically a market stall unloaded hurriedly into a shop, with a peeling box room covered by a musty curtain for a changing room. Cash only and filled with gaudy, rank garments you wouldn’t be seen dead in even if the Guardian told you to wear them three weeks in a row. I always find good stuff in these shops. It’s a questionable way to shop because as most people know, when surrounded by hideousness, a bog-standard nasty item looks like the bargain of the year,  but if you’re shopping with a fixed idea of what you’re looking for it matters less. I found, for another £20 (how long is this blog going to last on my wage? Weeks, I’d say. And what does that tell us about the pursuit of a magazine life? Whatever) a floor-length drapey black jersey dress with a weird, metal halterneck thing. It’s kind of a necklace with a dress hanging off it. I actually look alright in it, a bit Cleopatra-like with the fringe and this week’s eyeliner, which I consider a positive thing. I didn’t take a photo though. I was having a badly timed break.  Now I just have to work out where on earth I’m going to wear it. No doubt it will be making an appearance among these pages shortly. Possibly combined with a turban.

Conclusions:

• Maxi dresses still look nicer flowing if you have big boobs. Making them cling to your curves gets all Morticia Adams if you’re obliged, for eccentric reasons, to team them with a fringe and Dita von Teese make-up. They go from looking relaxed and flattering to vampy and a bit naff. The men in the room would approve and the women in the room would think you didn’t have especially good taste. With a small chest, I can see it working much better. Yet another bird-bone prejudice then. Hugh had better get on to the salad recipes
• Don’t bother trying to buy long dresses in charity shops. Get to the discount shops, which have just cottoned on. Or polyestered… no