Guardian Girl

Bumper xmas issue

Posted in Fashion, Food, Interiors, Uncategorized by guardiangirl on December 12, 2011
Show some zest

Show some zest

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Show some pity

DISCLAIMER: This post is really long, with not that many jokes. But it has a lot of pictures.

ADDENDUM TO DISCLAIMER: Just put some hysterical jokes in, reckon it’s well worth a read now.

“OMG, where do I even begin right now?”

I had a week off work and, rather then hiring a cosy cottage in the Cotswolds or jetting off in search of winter sun, I stayed at home and stuck masking tape on my tracksuit bottoms. To add to the excitement, they’re not even my tracksuit bottoms. Then I cooked enormous quantities of food I’m trying to avoid eating in anticipation of xmas corpulence and watched my boyfriend wolf it down (ELEVEN okra fritters in one sitting! If it’s allowed to mention your boyfriend and use exclamation marks in the same sentence without breaking the rules of decency!) Then I bought an All Saints dress I didn’t really want! The exclamation marks are a mask for the pain.

Raise your game

Raise your game

Lower your standards

Lower your standards

The fashion was actually fairly suitable staycation attire, as luck would have it.

Lounge hour

Lounge hour

Visiting hour

Visiting hour

Unfortunately I have been stung by using the magazine as my photo reference again. I was staying away from computers, what with being on holiday from the usual daily obligations. Of course now I come to snatch the online photos off the Guardian website and I find they’ve used all these different poses again. How can I make this mistake so often? Oh well, let’s truck on nonetheless.

Get

Get

Take

Your

Bore

Coat

Goat? Goitre throat? Wayne Hussey?

(Goat? Goitre? Wayne Hussey?)

I’m having problems getting the originals of these photos to load, for some reason. I know you’re desperate to see, so here’s the first and the second.

Good colour matching, I like to think? It’s just a shame I look so… disheartened isn’t quite the word. Bereaved?

The next issue ruddered me back into familiar and much-dreaded territory. I so hate copying the photos of the actual journalists. When I recreate the models’ poses, it’s possible to set aside vanity in the interests of taking one for the team. I feel I’m representing The People in our centuries-long battle against The Models. Yeh what’s delusional about that? Yeh? Come on then!

With the real people it’s difficult because you think ‘Ahaa, a real person! This one’s going to be easy!’ And then it isn’t, and then you’re sobbing in the wastelands outside your city in a white dress covered in dirt, in the rain, with violins. Actually you’re by a gravestone. Your face is covered in teras. TERAS! A futuristic version of tears! You will never even look as good as a normal person.

Actually even worse than the comparison thing is the fear that one of the below people might see the blog and be all creeped out. It’s like if a girl at school walked past you and a photo of YOU dropped out of her bag, and then another photo dropped out and it was that girl dressed up as you in that photo! Stalker! Weird! It’s EXACTLY like that!

Anyway we know why we’re here.

Jess Cartner-Morley

Jess Cartner-Morley

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Write in with a caption - I can't be fucked

Imogen Fox

Imogen Fox

Image of pox

Ridden with pox (this one was quite good wasn't it)

And now some spaces

to take us on to a new subject matter

maybe a subhead

Onwards foodwards

Spiced parsnip gougeres

Spiced parsnip gougeres

Spiced swede poogeres

Spiced swede poogeres

These were nice. No parsnips so, with the flick of an expert wrist, I substituted swede!

I actually managed to eat one, then walk out of the room. In fact I did this with all the week’s dishes: had a very small portion, then froze the rest for xmas. It may quite seriously be the first time I’ve ever exercised self-restraint. Feels incredible. All powerful. Scientological.

Orange and pistachio stollen bars

Orange and pistachio stollen bars

Orange and pistachio stolid bar

Orange and pistachio stolid bar

Wrongly photographed, right recipe. Based on the postage stamp-sized portion I ate, I’d say this was pretty great stuff.

Foot-long herb 'heros', with sausages and chilli cranberry sauce

Foot-long herb 'heros', with sausages and chilli cranberry sauce

Inch-long herb 'victims', with sausages and chilli cranberry sauce

Inch-long herb 'victims', with sausages and chilli cranberry sauce

These victims are going to be our Christmas Day breakfast.

That’s like something a proper blogger says isn’t it? I’m feeling so lifestyle!

Onion seed breadsticks, with shots of smoked salmon cheese

Onion seed breadsticks, with shots of smoked salmon cheese

Onion seed pugil sticks, with clots of smoked salmon cheese

Onion seed pugil sticks, with clots of smoked salmon cheese

Very tasty and easy breadsticks here. Recommend trying them. Think Monica might have something to say about my presentation though. Oh my, a revelation – Monica is what’s missing from this blog! I must contact her asap for some feedback.

Membrillo and stilton quiche

Membrillo and stilton quiche

Jam and stilton quiche

Jam and stilton quiche

What’s this? Oh yes, the quiche. Now this was really nice. Also been stuck in the freezer to be resumed on Boxing Day. Even Whole Foods didn’t seem to have membrillo, so I used fig jam, apparently to no detriment. It’s just like a sort of ploughman’s in a tart, no? That was an unsavoury turn of phrase, in hindsight, and I shouldn’t have used it. Let’s pray for computers to be invented so I can delete it.

Spicy okra fritters

Spicy okra fritters

Greasy, acrid shitters

Greasy, acrid shitters

Finally, the fritters. I found them seepingly cloggetory of the arteries but my flatfellow very much enjoyed them, as we have heard, so they must have some merit in the universe. Or rather in Hades by now I expect.

more pauses here

And for afters

A reel of painfully aspirational photos of my flat. Efforts at interior styling have, as usual, fallen and fractured their coccyx.

Dining booth

Dining booth

Feeding trough

Feeding trough

Living room

Living room

Existing room

Existing room

Kitchen

Kitchen

Addiction (to gin, by the looks of things)

Addiction (to gin, by the looks of things)

Exterior

Exterior

Posterior

Posterior

Conclusions:

  • The grand conclusion of the day is that I have now fried most of my money in oil, bagged it up and frozen it
  • If you see what I mean
  • So now I have to stop again, enjoy Christmas, wear what I want to the office party, and return at some point in the new year
  • This is just a prediction; I may write again tomorrow
  • If you’re thinking of doing some cooking for the days in and around xmas, I really do recommend the quiche and the breadsticks. And the stollen bars
  • Happy Xmas/See you tomorrow! To be deleted when we know what happens!
  • Suspense!
  • Been reading too many American writings and it’s stained my blog with exclamation marks and a ridiculous tone and loads of caps and italics, so prob best have a detox anyways
  • Oh god bye
  • Byeeeee

6 Responses

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  1. Elf girl said, on December 12, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Must do some serious FB stalking, find out where you and your boyfriend! live and burgle your freezer in the middle of the night. I’ll bring my swag bags for life.

  2. Bendy said, on December 12, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    My mum made membrillo, and it was more like jam anyway. The Reading crowd was rather enchanted with it.

  3. foodienelly said, on December 13, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Love your blog! Look forward to reading it – especially the food bits – so many recipes I want to try from the Weekend mag but never get around to…. don’t know where you find the time but very pleased you do!

    • guardiangirl said, on December 13, 2011 at 7:44 pm

      I don’t really find the time so much as wrestle it out of the hands of far more worthwhile pastimes. Seems more worth it if I’m sort of cooking for two though. Send me your address next time and I’ll post you some half-raw pastry.

  4. daniele said, on December 17, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    oh man, love the tartan shawl thing! can I ask where it’s from? that’s part of the spirit of the fashion shoot thing, right?!

    • guardiangirl said, on January 4, 2012 at 2:21 pm

      Sorry, I’ve been remiss at checking in. It’s from Urban Outfitters. I took it on holiday to Scotland once and felt like an idiot all week. Works better in London.


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