Guardian Girl

Is it because:

a) lately they seem to follow two days of solid drinking, resulting in a sense of less-than-superhumanity before one has even started compared oneself to a fashion model and trying to recreate vegetable recipes when all one really needs is a selection of things someone else has fried and put in front of you

b) can’t be bothered to write this one

c) can’t be bothered to write this one

d) can’t be bothered to write this one

e) all of the above?

Here’s the week so far.

Saturday: at Field Day, not in sheer tights. Ate a salt beef bagel for breakfast, a hot dog for lunch and a burger for dinner. By the time I got home it would’ve seemed inconsistent to eat anything that wasn’t a lump of meat between two bits of bread, so I didn’t cook a bean salad yet.

Sunday: did cook a bean salad yet, with the help of Friend Anne who was staying for the weekend and who’s a proper gourmet cook person. We had a BBQ for a bunch of mates (didn’t wear an orange velvet suit) and made a potato salad as part of it. Anne actually did that cooking programme thing where you chop and prepare the extra ingredients and store them in a small bowl while the potatoes boil! Meanwhile I ‘toasted’ a load of walnuts, resulting in a pan of half-raw, half-blackened husks looking more like charred rodent brains than something you’d eat. Tipped them on top of a pile of beans (which Anne had cooked for the right length of time [I all the time lurking in the background, cocking my head squirrel-like at these fascinating new concepts in cookery happening around me while swigging from a variety of cider bottles and trying to look capable] ) and then crumbled over a load of feta. Couldn’t be bothered to read rest of recipe by then – guests arriving, rain pouring all over BBQ, cider kicking in – so just poured on some other likely-seeming ingredients, took a quick snap before anyone could clock what I was doing and gracelessly whacked the plate down on the buffet table. Never got to taste any so can’t report on success. Suspect minimal.

French beans with feta, walnuts and mint

French beans with fetid tagnuts and dill

Cutlerial positioning clearly not a priority at the time. Apols.

Today I have a two-day hangover, a general feeling of shame and inadequacy, no desire to eat anything other than constant junk, and an awful outfit. What a crap Monday. Oh misery. Am now trying to divide day into two-hour chunks and see if that helps any. Will let you know tomorrow between 2 and 4.

On the prowl

From the bowel

Conclusions:

• As for the Measure, I’ve read it. That feels like enough of an achievement so far.