Guardian Girl

After much cogitation, conferring and a liberating trip to Hamburg involving no shopping lists, recipes or posing, I’ve decided it’s the end of the road for Guardian Girl. I discovered some great things along the way, largely involving pastry, but the path has been rocky indeed.

My conclusion is that following the kind of lifestyle advice peddled by The Guardian does not lead to an apex of sophisticated lefty living involving wandering across polished floorboards in finely cut clothing to help oneself to a bowl of homemade soup, glance at the reclaimed maritime clock on the wall and lean out of the French window to remind one’s handsome husband lovingly that it’s nearly time to pick the kids up from Montessori.

At least not for me.

For me it meant picking my way through piles of discarded, increasingly tight Primark copies of catwalk classics to reach the fourth slice of leftover pie before texting another ex-friend to apologise for my two-month disappearance from the public arena (bar Sainsbury’s)  before ignoring my bank balance for another couple of hours.

Most people could probably have predicted this outcome, but it never hurts to try something for yourself. I always thought I was pretty media savvy, but it turns out I wasn’t at all. Just like pretty much every other woman (even a good thirty years after Fat is a Feminist Issue was written) I’d unconsciously absorbed the idea that I ought to look like Jess Cartner-Morley, cook like Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, arrange my belongings like the finest warehouse space stylist and adopt the arch wisdom of Oliver Burkeman. I’d also helpfully picked up the underlying assumption that all this should be done somewhat effortlessly. Now where did I get that idea?

I’ve helpfully proved to myself that no matter how hard you (kind of ) try, this just isn’t possible. I really don’t know why I bother even reading any magazine with ‘lifestyle’ content anymore. So I’m going to stop.

If you’re one half of a highly paid childless couple living in Stoke Newington/a village with good broadband access and no time-consuming hobbies, I highly recommend you follow the Guardian Weekend to the letter. I’m sure it’ll serve you well.

Here are my ultimate conclusions:

• Harem pants ain’t that much of a big deal, and neither is plaiting your hair across the top of your head, but tucking your scarf into your belt is going to look dickish for at least another six months.
• If you cook from scratch every night, try to limit cream-containing recipes to once a week if you want to be able to buy Tommy Hilfiger jeans.
• Don’t bother buying Tommy Hilfiger jeans.
• Presentation is probably pretty important, but then so is leisure time.
• Stand up straight.
• All you really need is foundation, powder, red lipstick and some good mascara.
• Generally speaking, don’t look at models.
• Write about what you do and sometimes take pictures of it – it makes foolish decisions seem worthwhile.
• Foolish decisions are worthwhile.

Love

GG

Bye bye

X